Survivor’s guilt

Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't.My experience with Diastasis Symphysis Pubis has been so different than that of so many women. It turns out I’m one of the lucky ones. My pelvis is no longer separated and I am leading a life that is in most ways quite similar to before my injury.

In the spirit of the Thanksgiving holiday, I’ve been thinking about my personal situation a lot the last few weeks. Every day I am grateful that I can pick up my son, swing him around and carry him up the stairs to bed. Every day I am grateful I can go to work, do my job, come home and care for my family. Every day I am grateful that the pain I experienced in my son’s first months is now behind me.

And every day I think of the many women I have met online who continue to hurt years – even decades – after they experienced what I did. Every day I grieve for them and their families. Every day I imagine a world where health care providers of all sorts can truly hear what the women in their care are saying and that those practitioners would investigate until they can provide an answer to that patient – that mother with a precious child who needs her to be herself.

I am learning that what I’m really feeling is survivor’s guilt. I can’t help but wonder why I was lucky enough to find someone who could surgically repair my separated pelvis. Or why I was lucky enough to find a physical therapist who knew I would need to be able to crawl on the floor and play with my son, not just walk without assistance. Why was I so lucky?

And then I think of those eight months were I honestly didn’t know if I would make it. It is hard to grasp that I could feel all of that agony and still be lucky. It makes me flush with anger when I think of the women I have written to who are still in so much pain and have had to give so much of their quality of life because their health care providers didn’t know what to do.

Sometimes I want to share things on this blog about what I’m doing – going for hikes, visiting a friend in New York City and walking about four miles in one day, feeling better – and I stop myself because I don’t want to hurt someone who may read it and think “Why not me?”

Because I created this blog with the intention of helping myself and others, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone. I am pledging to you today that I will stop censoring myself because of what may be. I will write about what truly is for me and my family, the improvements and the setbacks. And I will trust each of you as readers to make decisions for yourself about what you want to read.

No matter what you decide to read, know that I am sending good thoughts and positive vibes for healing to each of you DSP mommas and I’m sending positive vibes and thankfulness to all of you who have supported me and others along the journey.

2 thoughts on “Survivor’s guilt

  1. Keep writing! Write to give others (patients, family member, healthcare workers, etc) hope. Write to record your progress so you can see just ho far you’ve come. Write to give others the courage to stand up and become their own advocate! This is your journey, your story, your struggle and your triumph…keep writing.

  2. Awww…you are so incredibly kind to think this way. I am sure every one of us with this condition understands that you are not trying to “rub it in” , by any means. Glad you are feeling better

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