Separated at Birth

The weather improved in a big way on Thursday afternoon and continues to be lovely. My pelvis and I are enjoying the benefit of steady air pressure.

I had a sort of epiphany today about the connection between my pelvis and the weather:

I am blessed to be so directly connected to Mother Earth in this way. Whether I feel strong or sore, I am part of something much bigger than my pelvis or even myself. That is a good thing.

I am going to try to focus on this positive connection the next time the almost-rain settles in and makes my pelvic ring ache for days in a row. I’m hopefully it will give me a place to put the frustration, rather than letting it compound what I am feeling physically.

And no matter what is going on I WILL GO TO YOGA WHEN I HURT. I missed two weeks in a row because of work stuff. Except for Monday and Tuesday when I couldn’t make myself do one more thing, I went to the gym to do my strength and bike routines, but missing yoga may have contributed to both stress and discomfort in the midst of that pressure system. I went Thursday and felt so much stronger. The gym on Friday was excellent, too. I could still feel the lunchtime bike ride on Saturday night.

Accountability time: All told, I’ve missed four days of gym routines because I was sore related to the weather and couldn’t make myself go. Four days out of five weeks (six days per week) isn’t stellar, but considering I couldn’t walk five months ago I am pretty happy with that.

I had another major connection this weekend. It’s hard for me to say out loud what is going on in my head and what I’m feeling about certain things. That means there are a lot of things that happen that sort of blindside my husband. (I’m trying to work on this.) On Friday night I had a meltdown and he was able to help me through it.

Disclaimer for my Little Guy: Son, if you ever read this, I need you to understand that my getting upset was not your fault. My head is messed up right now and you did nothing wrong.

My husband and I are lucky enough to have a child who LOVES to sleep. He typically goes to bed between 7:30 and 8 p.m. and has to be woken up to get ready for daycare. Friday night was very normal. He was in bed and asleep by 7:45 p.m. and we had some grownup time planned. The Little Guy woke up screaming at about 8:20 p.m. and I immediately shut down.

My husband took care of everything, played with him a little and got him back to sleep. All was calm again – for the two of them – about 20 minutes later. But for me, it felt like there was a tornado in my mind. All of these super intense feelings came rushing at me and I kept thinking about the moment I realized that the pain I was feeling wasn’t going away.

Everything about our birth experience had gone just how we hoped it would. And then I stood up. It wasn’t until the next day that I knew it was serious. And it wasn’t until the Little Guy was out of the hospital with decreasing bilirubin that I let the gravity of what happened sink in. For some reason, the fact that everything on Friday night was going just as we planned, and then it wasn’t, sent me completely over the edge.

I finally said out loud to him things that he needed to know and understand. Things that I’m not ready to say here about that very, very dark period of my life. I hope telling him will make me more aware of how far I have come, both physically and emotionally.

The third and final noteworthy connection of the weekend: I got to talk with four friends on the phone! I called a dear friend, another called me on a long drive and we were able to talk for a few hours, and I talked with a cousin and my sister – neither of whom I have spoken to in a while. It was so nice to hear their voices. So good to be transported into the presence of these wonderful people who I know are in my corner. Things have been so chaotic for so long that I’ve forgotten how much I used to make time for visiting with far away friends. (I don’t really have social friends in the community we live in now, so they’re all I’ve got.) I’m crazy for not reaching out more often.

We’re expecting more rain this week. The ground sure needs it so it is impossible for me to wish it doesn’t come. Instead, I will focus on how lucky I am to be so closely tied to Mother Earth. My Dad would like this approach. He would say good things and tell me that I’m stronger than I realize. I will hear his voice when I need to this week, and all spring. I will control what I can (YOGA!) and accept what I can’t (AIR PRESSURE!) and make the best of it for myself and my guys.